A New, Scary, Exciting Dream

The last couple of years (ok, a lot longer) I have just been kind of floating around. Working, paying bills, hanging out with my friends and family, working, and then starting school again.

Life has been fun, good, and kind of boring.

Boring in the way that I'm not challenging myself. I'm not growing and pushing myself as much as I used to. Once I got my bachelor's degree I felt like I hit a plateau. For awhile I stopped. Then I slowly started growing again, but the last couple of years I've hit that plateau again.

I've struggled to find out what I'm "meant to do." To find a new dream to pursue.

I thought it would be going back to school to get my paralegal certificate.

Now that I have my first semester under my belt, I don't think that was it. It's good, and I'm certainly going to finish it, because I do need to still pay my bills. But it's not my dream and I'm not passionate about it.

Back in March I went to a conference and the message I walked away with was to find your dream and pursue it.

But ever since then I've been frustrated because I don't know what my dream is. What is my passion? What is my dream job? What makes me happy?

I'm 29 and I still don't know. I'm sure that is probably normal that I don't know. I imagine it takes some people their whole lives to figure it out.

The last few months I've tried, struggled, and gotten a little frustrated trying to figure it out.

I've discovered the following in this little journey:

     1. Being a paralegal is very interesting and a good job. I enjoy it, but I don't LOVE it.
     2. I want to LOVE my job. I want to be excited to go to work every day.
     3. I LOVED making the invitations for Fallon's baby shower.
     4. I remembered how much fun I had making invitations for other parties I've done.
     5. While I'm at work, I find myself wishing I was home to do something crafty...to make
         something. I feel the need to do it.
     6. I feel fulfilled when I am creating something.
     7. I've found myself wishing I could do this all day. Being creative and making stuff
         is what I think about when I'm not thinking.

On more than one occasion, I've wished there was business locally that was crafty and would let me work for them.

I thought I found it at my local scrapbook store, but then they closed last year. (Boo!)

Then I heard this little voice: what if I started my own?

I laughed at the absurdity of the thought and quickly dismissed it. Yeah right. I'm not that type of person. I'm not aggressive enough. Not ambitious enough. Certainly not crazy enough.

I kept thinking why make my life that much more busy? I'm already working full-time. I go to school almost full-time (I will in the Fall). And I having a fantastic calling at church that keeps me quite busy (but not too busy!). Why would I want to throw something else in the mix?

Ok. I am crazy enough.

The thought has come across my mind often in the past few months. Friends have encouraged me many, many times. I always laugh it off and thank them for the compliment of having the opinion that someone would like to buy something I make. I always joke that no one can afford me. :)

I've worried that IF I did have a shop (or whatever) that I would stop loving my hobby. I've worried that I literally have NO IDEA how to run a business. I hate money. I hate trying to put a price on what I make.

(Seriously. I do. It's so hard. I just want to giveaway everything I make. I don't want to charge people--part of it is that I don't think that what I make is worth it, and part of it is guilt for taking people's hard earned cash. So I would need to get over this.)

Why would I want to add more stress to my life. Why?

Why not? Why wouldn't I want to get paid to do something I love?

The idea of having my own business has crawled into my brain and taken up residence. It won't leave. I keep finding myself thinking. If I did have my own shop...then I would do this. Or I would sell that. Or what would my brand be? Logo? Business name? So many questions I keep answering or wanting, needing to answer.

And then I remind myself that it's crazy and just a silly idea. It's impossible. I shouldn't waste my time on something so frivolous. I mean, why waste time and energy on something that probably wouldn't go anywhere.

Why not?

I doubt myself and my abilities and then a little voice says, "Who's to say that it wouldn't go anywhere, or be wonderful, or be exactly what I am supposed to do? And even if it's not those things--you'll learn something."

Anytime I try to talk myself out of it, a little voice in my head finds a way around the doubt. (I don't know anything about business accounting. Oh wait, I know several business accountants...including my best friend.)

Maybe I'm supposed to do this? But I'm not brave enough. I act like I am, but I'm not.

But maybe I could be. What's that quote from We Bought a Zoo?

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

I think this just might be my 20 seconds of insane courage....




P.S. Right after I finished writing the above, I turned on the radio. This was the song that came on:

Brave by Sara Bareilles

Love the song and love the video. And I'm feeling a bit braver. :)