Life has been fun, good, and kind of boring.
Boring in the way that I'm not challenging myself. I'm not growing and pushing myself as much as I used to. Once I got my bachelor's degree I felt like I hit a plateau. For awhile I stopped. Then I slowly started growing again, but the last couple of years I've hit that plateau again.
I've struggled to find out what I'm "meant to do." To find a new dream to pursue.
I thought it would be going back to school to get my paralegal certificate.
Now that I have my first semester under my belt, I don't think that was it. It's good, and I'm certainly going to finish it, because I do need to still pay my bills. But it's not my dream and I'm not passionate about it.
Back in March I went to a conference and the message I walked away with was to find your dream and pursue it.
But ever since then I've been frustrated because I don't know what my dream is. What is my passion? What is my dream job? What makes me happy?
I'm 29 and I still don't know. I'm sure that is probably normal that I don't know. I imagine it takes some people their whole lives to figure it out.
The last few months I've tried, struggled, and gotten a little frustrated trying to figure it out.
I've discovered the following in this little journey:
1. Being a paralegal is very interesting and a good job. I enjoy it, but I don't LOVE it.
2. I want to LOVE my job. I want to be excited to go to work every day.
3. I LOVED making the invitations for Fallon's baby shower.
4. I remembered how much fun I had making invitations for other parties I've done.
5. While I'm at work, I find myself wishing I was home to do something crafty...to make
something. I feel the need to do it.
6. I feel fulfilled when I am creating something.
7. I've found myself wishing I could do this all day. Being creative and making stuff
is what I think about when I'm not thinking.
On more than one occasion, I've wished there was business locally that was crafty and would let me work for them.
I thought I found it at my local scrapbook store, but then they closed last year. (Boo!)
Then I heard this little voice: what if I started my own?
I laughed at the absurdity of the thought and quickly dismissed it. Yeah right. I'm not that type of person. I'm not aggressive enough. Not ambitious enough. Certainly not crazy enough.
I kept thinking why make my life that much more busy? I'm already working full-time. I go to school almost full-time (I will in the Fall). And I having a fantastic calling at church that keeps me quite busy (but not too busy!). Why would I want to throw something else in the mix?
Ok. I am crazy enough.
The thought has come across my mind often in the past few months. Friends have encouraged me many, many times. I always laugh it off and thank them for the compliment of having the opinion that someone would like to buy something I make. I always joke that no one can afford me. :)
I've worried that IF I did have a shop (or whatever) that I would stop loving my hobby. I've worried that I literally have NO IDEA how to run a business. I hate money. I hate trying to put a price on what I make.
(Seriously. I do. It's so hard. I just want to giveaway everything I make. I don't want to charge people--part of it is that I don't think that what I make is worth it, and part of it is guilt for taking people's hard earned cash. So I would need to get over this.)
Why would I want to add more stress to my life. Why?
Why not? Why wouldn't I want to get paid to do something I love?
The idea of having my own business has crawled into my brain and taken up residence. It won't leave. I keep finding myself thinking. If I did have my own shop...then I would do this. Or I would sell that. Or what would my brand be? Logo? Business name? So many questions I keep answering or
And then I remind myself that it's crazy and just a silly idea. It's impossible. I shouldn't waste my time on something so frivolous. I mean, why waste time and energy on something that probably wouldn't go anywhere.
I doubt myself and my abilities and then a little voice says, "Who's to say that it wouldn't go anywhere, or be wonderful, or be exactly what I am supposed to do? And even if it's not those things--you'll learn something."
Anytime I try to talk myself out of it, a little voice in my head finds a way around the doubt. (I don't know anything about business accounting. Oh wait, I know several business accountants...including my best friend.)
Maybe I'm supposed to do this? But I'm not brave enough. I act like I am, but I'm not.
But maybe I could be. What's that quote from We Bought a Zoo?
"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
I think this just might be my 20 seconds of insane courage....
P.S. Right after I finished writing the above, I turned on the radio. This was the song that came on:
Brave by Sara Bareilles
Love the song and love the video. And I'm feeling a bit braver. :)